Working Through the Words
I have been sitting here, paralyzed for several hours - days actually; maybe even weeks. I wake up at 4am thinking I need to work, and turn the computer on to realize that I just don't know where to start. Which is a silly thought since I have about 12 or so pages written. I am struggling through my thesis proposal. Which - again is silly for anyone who knows me - since I have been working towards this very moment for the last several years. Each project I have worked on, every paper I have written in the last few years have been done explicitly for my thesis. When anyone has ever asked what my work was about, I would usually warn them prior to my rambling, knowing exactly what it is I am doing, where I am going and what my framework, theorists and goals were.
So why then, can I not actually sit here and write this. It is already (embarrassingly) several months late. I have my answers to that question as well - I think - perhaps - it is the permanence of it all. That once I write this down, print it and submit it, I am committed to it. It has been months that I have been told to stop reading. Put the books down, stop working on new ideas and just work with what I have (which as I am told, is quite a bit in the first place). But beyond fear of commitment - I know that I am also worried about my academic future. My PhD - which, the more that I procrastinate, the less of an issue that stress will be.
And as I write this, I realize that I could have written three paragraphs on my proposal - which I plan on submitting this week come hell or high water to borrow an expression from my mother. /sigh
So why then, can I not actually sit here and write this. It is already (embarrassingly) several months late. I have my answers to that question as well - I think - perhaps - it is the permanence of it all. That once I write this down, print it and submit it, I am committed to it. It has been months that I have been told to stop reading. Put the books down, stop working on new ideas and just work with what I have (which as I am told, is quite a bit in the first place). But beyond fear of commitment - I know that I am also worried about my academic future. My PhD - which, the more that I procrastinate, the less of an issue that stress will be.
And as I write this, I realize that I could have written three paragraphs on my proposal - which I plan on submitting this week come hell or high water to borrow an expression from my mother. /sigh
posted by Kelly at
10:04
2 Comments:
I can relate to that somewhat. I felt the same way this week when working on my SSHRC application. Despite how many times I"ve been told otherwise, I still felt like I was carving my MA thesis in stone...and I've barely started work on my overall MA stuff. What if I changed my mind?
I suspect you're letting the big picture cloud your ability to act. Maybe you should sit down this evening after the kids are in bed, have a beer, and then close your eyes. Ignore school per se and think about MMOs critically. Write down the first thought that comes to mind (but don't blog it!) and then see if the juices start flowing. Even if you don't end up using those thoughts nd writings, it might help to just get into that space in your head?
By
Sashay, at 4/10/06 11:43 a.m.
thank you - i know alot of my trouble is thinking of the big picture and not the individual pieces. As i mentioned to a friend last night, the only thing that is saving me at the moment is knowing that i've never sunk yet!
By
Kelly, at 4/10/06 1:19 p.m.
Post a Comment
<< Home